DEPARTED FRIEND:
~ new developments ~
While browsing the internet one day, I came across the Animal Care College, which offers distance learning courses – on everything from canine, feline and equine psychology to complementary therapies and pet sitting. They all looked interesting but the one that ‘leapt off the page’ at me was the Diploma in Companion Animal Bereavement Counselling. I applied and was accepted. For the past year I devoted myself to the course, researching and writing essays in the evenings after work, on annual leave and at weekends. It was richly rewarding and I realised just how important animals have been throughout my life. Inevitably, there have been many losses – starting in childhood. I believe passionately that this special bereavement should be understood, respected and taken seriously – and that people should be able to have help if they need it. That is why I started the Departed Friend newsletter.
I completed the course this year and received a certificate, plus National Open College Network (NOCN) Accreditation. This qualification has given me the confidence to extend the range of support that DF can offer:
DEPARTED FRIEND COMPANION ANIMAL BEREAVEMENT SERVICES
- Newsletter by post or email
- Telephone support (7.00pm – 9.00pm, weekdays)
- Email support
- Support by letter
- Face-to-face support (by arrangement: Luton area;
currently free, but donation welcomed)
My ultimate aim is to make this a full time occupation after retirement. I will need to obtain funding. Any ideas on how to go about this would be very gratefully received.
Additionally, there is now a DF blogsite. I am extremely grateful to Peter Wakeham, who constructed it and is putting a great deal of hard work into its development. Visit it at:
http://departedfriend.wordpress.com/
‘No Pets Allowed’
I recently received this request from a Departed Friend reader:
I am writing to you to ask if you know of any sheltered home that a friend and her husband could move into with their little dog. They have tried so many but no pets allowed. They are in their eighties. They do not want to lose their little dog.
When people move into sheltered accommodation, they may gain in terms of the care and attention they receive, but there are inevitable losses: of privacy, independence, the home they may have lived in for years. There may not be room for treasured possessions accumulated over the years. If, on top of all that, they are also forced to part with a beloved companion animal, the loss may be too much to bear. The ‘No Pets Allowed’ rule is inhuman – and it shows that, even in the 21st century, many people simply do not (or do not want to) understand the strength of the bond and the distress caused when it is severed.
The problem is not just in sheltered housing. Many landlords, even in country areas, have a ‘No Pets’ policy, as we discovered 18 months ago when we were looking for somewhere to live. ‘Advice’ given by a local Citizens’ Advice Bureau to a couple in financial difficulties was to get rid of some of their cats!
Luckily, the situation regarding sheltered accommodation is slowly improving. Some establishments have resident animals and others allow owners to move in with their existing pets. The Cinnamon Trust (contact details in the ‘Resources’ section at the end of this newsletter, ed.) has a register of nursing homes, care homes and sheltered homes which accept residents’ pets. I rang them and they told me that this trend is on the increase.
Thanks to the Cinnamon Trust, I am pleased to say that I was able to send the DF reader a list of 15 establishments in the relevant area – so hopefully the couple in question will be able to move with peace of mind and be spared the heartbreak of having to part with their little dog.
Your letters ……” *
Following my article in DF 34 about anniversaries, we received the following responses from DF readers:
Many thanks for the ‘early’ March issue of DF (No. 34). It’s lovely, as always. It was especially touching to read the tribute to Eric upon his anniversary, and of course, I too am mindful that a week today, March 3rd, it will be a year since we had to say goodbye to Tam. (See DF 31, ed.)…..
….. I can’t believe that a year has passed and yet it seems a lifetime ago. I don’t think that I’ve allowed myself to grieve properly, even to this day. I kept myself busy last year with my new Remembrance hymn and prayer card project and didn’t dare allow myself time to stop for long enough and to think too much.
Thank you for your email and your kind thoughts for tomorrow as we mark the anniversary of Tam’s passing. I actually cut the lawn, trimmed all the edges (of which there are many) and weeded the borders, a little, especially around the three trees, which each have a memorial plaque in memory of Lass, Meg and now, Tam.
| I have attached a photograph of Lass’s Silver Birch Tree which I planted as a sapling in 2005. It was grown from a tiny seedling which I found under the hedge a year or two before and had been set by birds who visit our garden in significant numbers, all year round, to feast from the various feeding stations in the garden. In actual fact, all three of the trees (Meg and |  |
Tam both have Rowan trees) have been grown from seedlings set by birds, which was so much nicer and more meaningful for me to have been able to make use of Mother Nature’s bounty.
Enjoy the coming Springtime, Debby, ever hopeful that Eric and Tam will be able to spend their days resting in perpetual sunshine with our other dearly loved ‘Departed Friends’.
With every blessing. Love from Linda Bodicoat.
 |
It’s nearly a year now – in fact, 40 weeks. You see I’ve counted every single week. We have a lantern; it sits outside where you sat. You were comfortable and quiet just waiting for a little mouse to pass you by. |
It shines brightly and twinkles just like you did. You were so patient and quiet, we miss you so much Jessie. Please read DF32. A quiet Lane, one car, and our life is not the same without you Jessie. I cannot put your photo in a frame - not yet – if ever: it’s too painful because you belong here not in a frame. Besides, pictures of you are in my heart all the time. We love and miss you every day; you are in our hearts forever.
Mum Dad and Mark xxxx
And please let’s not forget Rosie. Read about her in DF 32 – a beautiful 12 month old tabby cat who lived across the lane. Just 5 days after losing you Jessie we watched in horror one speeding car – Just 1 year old, she was so lovely and sweet.
I was interested to read about your newsletter for animal bereavement. I am a consultant therapist at a psychiatric hospital and we have many animals as part of our pet therapy program…..
….. These animals range from hamsters and fancy rats to corn snakes and a dog. Our animal therapy program has been running for about 18 months and I have started to think about how to handle the bereavement of these pets with the patients who have become highly attached to them. I thought the news letter or any other information you have may be useful in preparing me for what is the sad inevitable.
I would love to give you some more information on the kinds of Animal Therapy and Animal Assisted Therapy we do at the Hospital ….. The work includes animals as a medium for therapy. We have two hamsters, a guinea pig, two fancy rats as well as a visiting corn snake, two rabbits and an employed therapy dog (my pet). We also provide regular horse riding and horse management. The majority of the patients I work with have suffered very distressing childhoods and therefore struggle immensely with life. The pets give great comfort and are non judgemental and love unconditionally which is why they are so important to my work (and life). Louise H
As it is now more than two years ago that we lost our feline friend, “Tiggy”, I feel the time is right to discontinue receipt of your excellent publication, “Departed Friend”… From the beginning, it has been a great help and benefit to us, a great help in overcoming the initial overwhelming mantle of grief and the sharing of such pain with the stories of others in the same state of loss of a four-footed friend.
However, the situation is easier to bear now and so we move on. We have another cat, “Danny”, another friend in the house but never a “replacement”. You will know what I mean. We had him from the Cat’s Protection Society who had themselves acquired him from the Police who had found him wandering and abandoned on a motorway, a small, frightened, neglected and cruelly abused little ball of fluff. His first name, therefore, via the Police was “Bobby”. The Cat’s Protection Society, seeing he was a bit of a tabby, called him “Smokey” but classified him as female, so when we acquired this tiny animal, we called it “Matilda”, name number three. Taking it to the Vet for initial checkover and inoculation, we reached the time when the information was being tapped into the Vet’s computer. “Funny name for a boy”, he said, “Matilda “? Well, he had already tapped in M-a-t….so we quickly re-named the animal as “Matthew !” Name number four. Later, to save all confusion, we changed it finally to “Danny” (as in “Danny Boy”, The Londonderry Air), and “Danny” he remains. A wonderful, funny and affectionate friend. I thought you might like to read this story. Actually, sometimes he gets a sixth name when I catch him digging-up my plants, but I’ll keep that to myself ! Dennis Martin
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I was very pleased to see Eddie’s tribute, (DF 34). You did a great job and I’m very grateful for that. In a strange way it helped. I showed all my friends and I was so proud to say ‘that’s my little girl there’. What I also found helpful in your news letter was to read about your cat Eric who passed away only a year ago, to see that I’m not the only one who lights candles for them and has a little collection of things ie: ornaments. I always remember my cat Mindy on the anniversary of her death and will do the same for Eddie, I find candles very spiritual. I have also experienced the pleasure of seeing Eddie here and there. The same happened when Mindy died; I assume that’s normal.
Kindest regards Sarah CroftI HAVE SEEN THEM!!!
Mindy was taken from us on the 7th of May 2006, she was found in a black plastic bag at the side of the road. I was first re-united with her spirit about two nights after her death. We have large patio doors at the back of the house, it was dark outside , I was sat on the sofa watching television and out of the corner of my eye I saw her appear at the glass, I smiled , got up, opened the door and let her in. The second experience with her spirit was one night when I was laid in bed I felt her jump onto me, I acknowledged her by just saying hello. I never felt or saw her again.
~ by Sarah Croft ~
Tribute to Lucky
On Boxing Day morning 2008 we lost Eddie to the road too, in the same place as Mindy. Again, about two days later at night, her face appeared at the door, I got up, opened the door to let her in but she did her naughty trick she always did, she ran off into the darkness, she never did come back to the glass! Other sightings have been where she ran past me whilst I was walking up the stairs and I have seen her asleep on the bed in her favourite spot. There were a few times I heard her meow too, she was very noisy!!
The strange thing is, seeing their spirits always happened to me when I was on my own, so trying to explain what had happened to me made everyone think I was mad. I know I’m not mad, I feel very privileged that they wanted to visit me.
I have not seen Mindy or Eddie since their last visits, I assume they are far too busy at Rainbow Bridge! X
~ by Sarah Croft ~
Tribute to Lucky
When my dad died Mum was lonely and very sad. Spring was round the corner when one morning a black cat walked in; he wore a red collar. He had a lovely face and a shiny silky black coat. I do not have a photo but you can imagine what a beautiful little boy he was. He looked at Mum. “If I feed you” she said, “You won’t eat your tea when you get home.” But she always keeps pouches in the cupboard; she gave him one. Afterwards he looked out of the window then settled on the settee and fell asleep. Mum sat next to him and he got on her knee. She saw on his collar his name was Lucky but no address. It turned out he lived only a short walk away. The man had brought him home from work to live with them as the warehouse was closing. Although Lucky was well cared for, he did not like being left on his own through the day; he loved human contact. He had a cat flap so out he came! All the neighbours grew fond of Lucky and welcomed him in. He became the neighbourhood cat but most of all he went to Mum’s and sat on her knee; he loved being stroked.
One morning when Lucky came in, Mum noticed he was wearing a brand new tartan red collar. “That’s smart” Mum said. Mum lives near a primary school and every afternoon if Lucky was in he usually was he would go out at the same time and when the children came out of school they would run up to stroke him with their mums and Lucky loved it. He was an adorable little cat and the children loved him; so did Mum.
Lucky was a happy little cat but about 3 years later a grey cat with a collar followed him into the garden. Lucky was quite upset and chased the cat away but he kept coming back. When Lucky went into Mum’s he waited in the garden; he probably just wanted to be friends but Lucky liked to be on his own.
A couple of weeks later Mum was worried as she had not seen him for two days; the neighbours were concerned as well and went out walking and shouting “Lucky!”
At a time like this you think of allsorts – “What if…..? What if…..? What if…..” is all you think of, but what if he really had got into a car with a little boy or girl from school (he was so friendly) then run out and got lost? How awful.
That’s when I decided to ring the school up – and when I did, nothing could prepare me. What they said the care taker goes into school very early on a morning.
On this particular morning a few days before, just going past Mum’s and almost at the school gates, nobody was around; everywhere was quiet – she saw him lying there in the middle of the road. She parked the car, picked him up and carried him into school. She knew him by his red tartan collar but who could she contact with no address on his collar?
It was very sad. We called for his collar. The people who owned Lucky were too upset and asked Mum if she would like to keep his collar. Mum stroked his red tartan collar and cried; she keeps it in a safe place.
Lucky, were you chasing that little grey cat home across the road? Is that what happened? Did you get caught by a car or maybe you were on your way back. I know it’s very sad and the grey cat is staying on his side now – I think he knows.
You were a loving and gentle pussy cat with a wonderful disposition who loved human contact. No wonder everyone loved you and looked out for you. A door was always open for you but I think Mum was your favourite. We love you and we miss you so very much – our beautiful darling Lucky xxxx Celia Francis
Animal Therapy at a Psychiatric Hospital
(see also letter above from Louise H, consultant therapist)
Interview with Louise:
Do you think there are different or additional factors in patients’ bereavement from bereavement in the wider community?
Different factors – patients are more fragile in the mental state. Bereavement causes emotional instability, especially if they are depressed anyway. Also, lots of them are in hospital – institutionalised from a very early age. They get to their 20s or 30s and this is the first time they experience bereavement. That’s why we have to be sensitive and caring. It is also more difficult, the pet being the only thing that loves them truly, deeply, unconditionally. A pet doesn’t care if they self-harm or are depressed. The patients have never had unconditional love from the family. It is tragic for them – and generally distressing for everybody. These animals have helped them in so many different ways: been family, friend, confidante – been everything to them. And they just go away.
Horse therapy at the hospital
Interview with Sarah: (Louise’s Mum, who is currently training to be a therapist and helps Louise in her work)
What do you think vet practices should/should not do to help bereaved clients?
When I was a veterinary nurse in a practice 30 years ago, our progressive vet realised there was a need for cremation – so we had a building in the back of the unit. Owners didn’t want to stay. It helps to have a different room for planned euthanasia and always allow the owners to go out a different way. They could send an invoice rather than demand immediate payment. In vets I use now, we always get a handwritten sympathy card, including the animal’s name. When nursing, I would love to have done this – but never did. They acknowledge the fact that you feel sad. When I was in practice, we didn’t do much as we felt that the last people bereaved owners would want to come back to was us. We always offered cremation or burial; the vet could arrange it. We collected the animal for burial or cremation; this cut out middle man – or the owner could take the animal home.
A Patient’s Testimony
My One to One with Keira
I’ve had a lot more opportunity lately to spend and take care of Keira, and would say she has helped my mental state greatly. For a number of weeks on a Wednesday, for about 3 hours at a time, I looked after Keira whilst Louise took another patient to college. I was extremely nervous and I felt it was a huge responsibility! I used to take Keira to my room, and settle down for the evening, she used to fall asleep on my bed as I watched TV, as bizarre as it sounds Keira made me feel a sense of normality, and at times I forgot I was actually in hospital. There were days before Keira was brought up to me, my mental state wouldn’t be great, I’d struggle with self-harm thoughts to the degree in my room I was nursed on one-to-one observations. On many occasions, staff trusted me to go into my room without staff, as I had Keira with me. It was so much better than having staff there as Keira helped improved my mood greatly to the degree I forgot about wanting to self-harm. Keira is extremely good company to be with, she’s a very good distraction to unpleasant thoughts, She’s always pleased to see me, which makes me feel good about myself.
MH
A therapy session with Assistance Dog, Keira
Filed under: No. 35 Jun '09
