Tribute to TINKA
I became owned by a beautiful black and white cat we called Tinka who we chose from the Blue Cross at Kimpton in 1996. We saw him when he was very small and were allowed to adopt him and bring him home when he was 9 weeks old.
He was feisty and funny right from the beginning and chose where he sat during the day and where he spent the night, ignoring beanbags, boxes and fluffy blankets for armchairs and my bed!
He was very loving and affectionate but also very independent. He loved his food and would shout loudly if I took too long in getting his dish on the floor. He ate everything he was given and was convinced that every tin he heard being opened contained tuna.
I could write pages about ‘my boy’ but I will tell you about two occurrences when I think he showed his devotion to me in spectacular ways. On 22nd December 2007 I was in bed, not asleep at 1.15am and became aware that Tinka was racing up and down the stairs, making a peculiar wailing noise. I got up just as he jumped down from the back bedroom windowsill and raced downstairs again, probably to look out the conservatory door. Suspecting a fox or even an intruder in the garden, I had a look out the window to see my car on fire in the drive. Had he not warned me in time, the petrol tank may have exploded, causing much damage to fences and windows etc. all around.
The second episode was rather more amusing. I was in bed, again, and awoke suddenly at about 3.00am, remembering that I hadn’t padlocked my inner garden gate. I went downstairs to do this, closely followed by the boy. I went quickly down the garden path in just my nightie (it was a very warm night). When I got back in the house, Tinka was staring through the glass door and when I came into view he went rigid, back up, tail huge and wouldn’t let me in. Remembering the time of night, I whispered to him to let me in, but he opened his mouth and hissed at me loudly. I keep a broom near the back door, so I got it through the small gap he allowed me to open and managed to ease him away. He immediately attacked the bristles with all four paws and his teeth but I was eventually able to push him along enough to get in. I then was able to speak to him in my normal voice whereupon he changed completely, just walked away with his tail bolt upright and began to eat his biscuits. He obviously didn’t recognize this strangely dressed vision with a funny voice and intended to defend his mum’s house.
I lost my boy to hyperthyroidism and liver problems in February this year. We had tried everything we could to make him better since the previous July but it wasn’t to be. He was nearly 14 when he died and I would like those years all over again. Since my husband died 5 years ago, Tinka stayed even closer to me and was always a loving friend and companion. I miss him more than I can say. He was very, very special and I will hold him in my heart for ever. I have had a number of cats in my three score years and ten but losing Tinka has affected me very deeply for some reason and I felt compelled to put my thoughts and feelings into words.
Pauline West ~ July 2010
These are two remarkable examples of a devoted friend saving his human companion from danger or worse. Do you have any similar stories involving your own animals? If so, we would be interested to hear of them and print them in a subsequent edition of the newsletter. Ed.
The British Association of Pet Bereavement Counsellors
BAPBC was launched in June 2010 as a professional membership organisation for all professionals working with bereaved pet owners, including: counsellors, veterinary nurses, vets, helpline staff, rehoming oganisation staff, pet charities, organisations and societies.
The Director, Revd. George Callander, was a third year student nurse when his mother phoned to tell him their two poodles had died within a few days of each other. “I remember being so desolate that I let out a cry in the nurses’ home that echoed all round the corridor. People came out and said they thought I’d been electrocuted or cut myself to the bone,” he remembers.
“They said, ‘what’s wrong?’ and I said, ‘my dogs are dead’. That’s when I got, ‘is that all?’.
And I vowed I would never say, ‘is that all?’.”
He is now a pet bereavement counsellor and, as an ordained minister, he also conducts animal funerals.
“I’m a devoted cat lover and have had pets most of my life, but am aware that people, when their pets die, don’t feel able to talk about it because they feel people will think they’re silly or simply don’t know who to talk to,” he says.
The association aims to be a focal point for counsellors specialising in pet bereavement, as well as vets and veterinary nurses. “What I’m trying to do is raise awareness of pet bereavement, to make owners understand there’s somewhere they can turn to and people who understand,” he says.
He is also starting a support group in Durham as a pilot project which, if successful, will be introduced across the country. He sees it as social gathering – conversation therapy he calls it – for pet owners who’ve lost animals recently or in the past. “I know people who still grieve for their dog 20 years after they had to have it put to sleep and have never been able to talk about it,” he says. Anyone interested in joining the support group can call George on 0845-4672201 or email admin@eshwood.org
He wants to raise the profile of pet bereavement, pointing out that with a growing number of pet crematoria – there are two in the area where he lives – the demand for support is growing. “As a minister, I’ve conducted a number of pet funerals – it’s a very important area,” he says. “I freely acknowledge as a counsellor and as a minister, and as a nurse and a pet owner, how important pets are to us. You’ve got to appreciate that for some people, particularly the elderly, their cat, dog, budgie or whatever, is the only other living thing they have regular contact with. So, the sense of loss when that animal dies is overwhelming. It can be just as real and as powerful as if a spouse or family member died.”
He recalls conducting a funeral for a family whose ageing Alsatian had to be put to sleep. “We buried him in the garden, it was a lovely ceremony and I should stress I don’t use the same form of service as for humans. There are some animal readings, prayers of thanksgiving for the animal’s life, the place they had in the family, and so on. They wrapped him in his favourite duvet and buried him in the garden. Each member of the family placed one of his favourite things in the grave. He had his feeding bowl, his rubber bone, his leash and they actually found it was a way of symbolically casting off their grief.”
He’s also buried a goldfish (“for a small child who was desolate and her father said would I do a little something”) and guinea pigs.
“I feel I should take my special expertise and reach out to these people. I think they soon realise I really do understand and their grief is just as valid as if their Auntie Ada had died.”
He acknowledges that some people seem more upset by the death of an animal than a person. Working as an accident and emergency nurse, he became used to seeing horrific injuries. “People with legs hanging off and so forth, it was part of my job, but if I saw an injured dog in the street I would go to pieces.”
“Human bereavement and pet bereavement are very difficult, very sad, very complex. Nothing gives me greater satisfaction than when somebody says to me afterwards ‘I wouldn’t have got through this difficult time without you and all you’ve done’,” he says.
*
Information from The Northern Echo 22 July 2010 and
BAPBC
58 Esh Wood View
Ushaw Moor
Durham
DH7 7FE
Telephone: 0191 373 9220
Office generally attended Monday – Friday 10am – 2pm
(voicemail at other times)
Email: admin@bapbc.org http://www.bapbc.org
*
I am very grateful to Angela Garner of EASE* (Environmental Animal Sanctuary and Education) for telling me about BAPBC and encouraging me to apply for membership. I am sure that this pioneering organisation will be of great help and benefit not only to its members but to many bereaved members of the public as well. Ed.
*(See DF no. 36 Sept 2009 and DF no. 37 Dec 2009 for further information about EASE, or visit http://www.ease-animals.org.uk
LAGUN
A special little boy who I will never forget
Both Isabel, our vet, and myself feel that Lagun came here for a reason. It is not clear to me yet what that reason is but I feel very strongly about this feeling. He has left me a feeling that I can’t quite describe at the moment. Isabel said from the beginning that he was a special dog. He had so much trust in us even though I had put him through so much pain. His operation took over 4 hours and Ariel worked so hard to help him…..
Lagun was put in that horrible council pound because he was ill. He was left alone after he had probably given all his affection to the person who let him down at the end. Well he will not be left alone now. He is going to be cremated and will be here with Shep and Meg.
I wish this had been a different e-mail where I could have told you all how wonderful things were going. I guess you do not have to be with someone for years to bond because in just two weeks I felt Lagun had been here so much longer.
On Wednesday when Ariel came to see him and put the food line in he saw there was an infection. He cleaned it out and I thought things would get better. On Wednesday night while Isabel was examining him she said he had another infection and that looking at the tissue nearby she thought it looked as though the cancer was already coming back. Ariel had said it was an aggressive one.
Yesterday was a very hard day for me. Lagun had been at Isabel’s practice overnight because he had the feeding tube put in and as she wanted to see him the next morning we decided it would be less stress if he stayed there overnight.
When I went back yesterday Isabel had fed him and she had taken him for a little walk and he seemed stronger. Before I took him home I had all the instructions how to feed him. By the time I got home it was time to feed him and the first 3/4 of an hour was very difficult as I did not get the hang of it. I even called her and asked her to call in on her way home. Within the next 15 minutes I realised what I was doing wrong and from then on it was OK.
This had all been done in the bathroom as this was where Lagun felt comfortable. The trouble was that I felt something was wrong because he did not come out of the bathroom. Last time he stayed in there for a short time and then came out, went up to the kitchen and even came to lay down beside me at the computer. This time each time I went in he was laying on the floor near his water bowl. Something inside me told there was something wrong.
A little later when I went in I could see red in his water bowl and some fresh blood on the floor. I called Isabel and it was about 10pm when we took him to the surgery.
For all of us who have or have had pets will probably have been in the situation where you feel you are playing god. You do not want to give in but you want the best for your companion. Isabel and I cried together. She understanding me and me understanding her. He had an infection the other day when Ariel, the surgeon came to see him, he cleaned it and put a drain in but last night Isabel said there was another infection.
I looked in Lagun’s eyes and asked him to tell me what to do. His eyes seemed to tell me he was tired. All I could think about was how he would walk next to me in the garden while I watered the grass. From the day he stepped out of the van and saw me he seemed to know I wanted to help him. He followed me everywhere and here we were 2 weeks later and I had to do what was best. I know that the last person he saw on his way to Rainbow Bridge was me. He looked peaceful while we kissed goodbye and I told him even though it was just 2 weeks I loved him. I told him there would be plenty of friends waiting for him over Rainbow Bridge and I hope Shep would be at the front!
I went into the garden a few minutes ago and it felt so empty. Lagun’s little red ‘tent’ is sitting there with the duvet inside but he is not coming back. Tonight when I water the garden there will be no one to follow me and all I can see in front of me is his face in the first photo I saw of him. All that was being asked for him was a ‘sofa’ to make his last days in the pound comfortable. How could I leave him there?
Sharon, how many times have we said to each other that our lives would be so much easier if we did not love animals?
Maureen xxxxx
Lagun
DF stall – Bedford Charity Market - 18 and 26 June 2010
Your letters ……
Hi, I am writing about the poem “Goodbye Stan” which was on your blog in Sept 09. (See DF no. 36, ed.)
Well, I have been searching for the poem for about 30 years since I was about 8 years old.
My family and I have always had many animal friends and I always remember my mother had an old copy of “SHE” magazine (UK edition) from which she clipped out an entry into a poetry contest which was “Goodbye Stan”. The clipping was sadly lost but I remember that the author was a man and he had written the poem about his own cat who he had recently lost; Stan.
Over the years, whenever one of our beloved animals has died, either by accident or illness we have always referred to this poem; I googled it by the lines and snippets I could remember.
I am so very happy to have found it and will now copy it safely. My renewed search was prompted because one week ago we had to have our darling 13 year old Poppy dog put to sleep because of heart failure. As I laid her to rest in our olive grove (we live on the island of Crete) I said part of this poem.
Now I have it all. Thank you so very much.
Leonie Giddings
Hi Debby
Thank you very much for the latest “Departed Friend”. I always look forward to receiving my copy. Love the Arial font, it’s sharper and the colour pics are super… I’ve enclosed a few stamps to help with postage costs.
Helen W.
I ordered Jane Matthews’ ’Losing a Pet’ book directly from www.smallbooks.co.uk – recommend it – if you put re books to help people on the site.
Fiona C.
Fiona – thanks for this useful information. I got a copy of the book on your recommendation and was most impressed. Here is my review:
Losing a Pet - by Jane Matthews
This small book is a valuable resource, written in down to earth compassionate terms that everyone will be able to relate to. It is divided into 5 chapters with a Resources section at the end, interspersed with delightful photographs of people with their pets – from horses to hamsters.
1. Living with a pet sets the scene with personal anecdotes of love and loss, to comfort and reassure the bereaved reader that they are not alone and their feelings are perfectly normal.
2. When a pet dies outlines some of the difficulties people may face as this kind of loss is still not fully recognised, though it may impact on us as much as the loss of a human; however, things are slowly improving as this special grief becomes better understood. Possible feelings and reactions are also described with suggestions about talking it through. Particularly helpful is the reminder that you don’t have to explain if you don’t want to: ‘Saying you’ve suffered a bereavement but feel unable to talk about it is usually enough to stave off enquiries from people who you suspect won’t understand.’
3. Living through loss prepares the bereaved person for some of the emotions they may experience with the unpredictability of a roller coaster. Suggestions for healing are given, with information on the stages of loss.
4. Practicalities deals with the arrangements you may wish to make for your pet, such as burial or cremation, and commemoration/celebration by means of pet memorials and tributes.
5. Life after loss outlines progression from the first stage of almost unbearable pain to the occasional heartache and the possibility of maybe investing love in another animal if/when the time right. There is wise counsel to seek professional advice for those who find themselves often in tears after a few months.
Resources include counselling agencies, cemeteries/ crematoria, as well as suitable poetry and readings.
It is well worth the £2.99 I paid to buy it on-line.
Filed under: No. 40 Sept '10
